Assalamualaikum.

So here I am sitting like a fool in my room while listening to moments when suddenly I hear my family talking about me with my second sister. They purposely talking really loud just to make sure that I hear them. I am so depressed, so I turn on my volume to maximum and lost in my space with one direction and try very hard not to cry.

Day 24/366 has just started half way and I have already feeling miserable and feel like dying. One thing I can't stand most is when my family talk about me, outside my bedroom door. As if they are talking behind my back. Like what is wrong with you guys. All you have to do is like complaining to everyone else about how stubborn I was being, just because I go against you for telling me to take education as my course in university, about how I don't want to talk to you guys about my driving test.

There is nothing to talk about because for all of these 17 years of living, no one, no even a single soul listen to me, being there for me when I have problems at school or whatever. There is not even a single soul trying to talk to me or even ask how was I doing at school. There is not even a single soul trying to know all of my friends and you guys go all freak out when I have male friends which I never even go out with for 17 years of living. You guys go all mad and psycho over the fact that I have male friends and talking bad about my friends. I know not all of them are up to your level but please, respect my friends. I have never even go out with them so why do you have to freak out and talk bad about them when you don't even know them?

You are getting really mad at me because I avoid talking and meeting you guys, that's why I confine myself in my room for two days. Its because I am not bloody okay and I don't want to do the talking or giving explainations because at the end, I will be the one to be blamed on. Not even a single explaination can change the fact that it was my mistake. Even all this while, no one ever want to listen to every thing I say. Those times when I have stories from school, there's no one ever listen to me with interest. So don't ever blame me if I cannot bring myself to talk to you about everything and I keep it inside. You think its easy to watch my friends and their mothers become bestfriends? You think its easy to realise that I have no one to talk to?

I did hate you when I was small because I didn't think you ever loved me or even paid attention to me but as I growing up, I don't hate you anymore, I respect you and I love you. Its just that, the whole childhood years that we have lost would never come back and we will never be the same. From my whole childhood years, talking to myself about every single thing, it distanced us and it will never be the same again. You can never replace my childhood years, growing alone and trying very hard to be a useful girl to community and a good daughter to my family and getting mad at me because I don't want to talk to you about everything. You cannot blame me because its too late and I can't do anything about it anymore.

I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I really want to have a really close family but I don't. If I could only have this life for one more time, I will try my best to fix everything and change myself and become a good daughter. I just feel that its not right to blame me for not telling you everything, for not being a close daughter to you. Its just not right anymore because its just too late. You cannot expect me to turn to you when something happens in my life, because I have spent the past years, turning to no one but myself.

You plan my life without even asking me what I really want to do. Now, if you ask me what I really want to do, I don't know anymore. I am hurting too much, just too much that I don't know what I want anymore. I'll go with your plans if that makes you happy. I'll be a teacher. I'll be a teacher, get a job and get paid. I will do as you wish because I don't know what else to make you happy, I don't know myself anymore, because keeping everyone happy has always been my job since I was small, and I will do as you wish. Just don't talk behind my back, I will do as you wish. I know you have always thought that I am stubborn, always go against you and the black sheep in the family, but I know everything that happen in the family without you knowing me know. I love this family, its just that its invisible and I don't show them because at the end, no one cares.

I am a strong girl named Nadiha and always will be that way no matter how hard life knock me down. I'm okay.