Assalamualaikum.

Its day 23/366 people and I feel really.... numb. I was unable to describe and get hold of myself last night so I couldn't write about it just yet except on tumblr. Here we go. *inhale* As some of you guys know, I had my driving test yesterday. I was feeling really nervous and I had a stomach pain (I always get stomach pain whenever I am nervous) so I tried to ease myself and watch barbie. The result? I failed.

It was suck really and I nearly cried. I flunked both categories, on track and on the road. So yeah, I am a big sucker of all times. The one on track was really disappointing. I had only one obstacle left before I passed my on track test and I flunked it. It was stupid because yes, it was my fault anyway.

The one on the road was a major disappointment as well. Big, major, huge, massive. Use whatever word it was. It was really really... urgh. I had only drove not even half way, not even out on the road yet when I did that mandatory mistake and I was told to drive back into the academy. I seriously was shocked and I didn't know what was my mistake. Like, omg what the hell did I do wrong. So I had a tiny little argument with the tester in the car and he was like "no, you don't blame your teacher. He has nothing to do with this. It is you. It is you who don't understand" I was like, no I was not trying to blame anyone. I was just telling you that I was doing whatever my teacher taught me. Freakin weird.

Soon, I realised, there was no need to give explainations. It was obviously my mistake and I should be kicked out of the car like right away. So I flunked both and needed to wait for like another three weeks or so before another driving test. My friends flunked one test and passed one test so they only need to repeat that one test before getting a license. Holy mother of cheese, what is air. I feel like I am the stupidest and useless person ever lived.

The fact that I wouldn't want to cry in public so I waited for my dad to pick me up and I was going to cry at home. Sadly, my driving teacher called me over to send me home and he was shocked to acknowledge that I actually flunked both while the other two boys flunked only one. You guess what happened after that. He kept on nagging and sorta raised his voice and complaining and getting really mad at me. He was so disappointed, he told me. He said that driving test was such an easy test so I shouldn't have flunked or at least, passed one.

I forced myself to hold back the tears and waited until I reached home. I didn't know why I cried, really. The fact that I felt really bad at myself for disappointing everyone or I felt sad that I have to kiss all my plans to go out to places goodbye. Even at that very moment, I still cared for people first before myself. I felt really bad for making everyone mad at me. I felt really bad that I didn't do my best and I needed to repeat my test. I didn't care about how myself was feeling. They didn't even care about mine.

To make myself feeling more miserable, cookie was not here with me and I felt really, really upset, disappointed and useless. I really want to talk to him and cry freakin hard and let go of everything and start all over and I want him to comfort me like he usually does when I am feeling down or I feel useless. The fact that he was not here when I needed him the most broke my heart.

I felt really lonely last night. I tried to understand that maybe he was busy with studies and couldn't make it for me or maybe if he tried to make it there for me, it was his simcard being a dipshit. I tried to understand, really. I always understand, right?