How does it feel when you think that he loves you but somehow, his feeling is all fake. It is an act.

He makes you feel like a princess, he whispers "I love you" to your ears, he kisses your forehead, he has his arms around you when you both walk together, he puts you to sleep every night and sing till you fall asleep. It is all an act. He laughs at you when you are finally asleep, thinking how stupid you are for falling for such a thing. You are easily fall for something sweet and romantic and you think that he is the one.

On saturday nights when he calls in to say that he cannot go out for a movie, he actually stays in with his lads and tell them all how stupid you were for falling for you stupid "I love you" that is nothing but meaningless. He has never felt the same way you felt for him. It is all an act. He bets to make you fall for him. His lads bet that you will never fall for him and his lads lose because you do. You actually did. You have fallen really hard.

Days go by and you guys seem to drift apart and one night, you want to surprise him so you go to his house, bake his favourite chocolate chip cookies, to only find that he is in bed with another girl. She is so sexy, with blonde hair, she has curves and they are making love. You stand there, watching them lose into themselves and you find yourself numb. You just stand there throughout the night to only watch him, cheating on you, loving another girl.

When reality strikes in, when you finally wake up from your own made-up fairytale, you just break down all over again and cry all night. Tears stain on your pillow, you don't want to eat or do anything. When you think that you are okay, you just cry all over again because it hurts so much than what you ever think it will be. That it chokes you, it makes you hard to breathe and you feel lifeless. You have fallen so hard that you couldn't even stand on your feet again.

Funny when he knocks on your door with flowers and your favourite cake, you find yourself taking him back into your life and forget everything that had happened because you really want him in your life, you cannot see your life without him or anyone else. Things like that happen so many times and each time, you find yourself taking him back because you are so pathetic, you just want him in your life. That even though you know, all of his "I love you" are lies, you just want to live by lies if that keeps him with you. You never think of loving someone so much.

He is so perfect that you always ask yourself, why does he choose me. Why me. Why not the other girl? Why not the curvy girl? Why not the breathtaking cheerleader girl? Why me?

You wake up every morning to see his picture as your wallpaper, thinking how you miss him, falling in love with him every single day and you are just happy to be with him. Your definition of happiness is him. You go to bed every night thinking how he could have get other pretty girl, who is like thousands better than you.

The feeling when you are with this perfect man of your life that it suddenly grows into one of your insecurities. You are really insecure about yourself because he is so perfect that you doesn't suit him at the tiniest chance at all. You compare yourself to other beautiful girls. You compare yourself to other smarter girls. You compare yourself to other rich girls. You compare yourself to other girls with self confidence. You compare yourself to the girls who have everything you don't have. You keep on comparing till you cannot see your true self because your true self is much more uglier that you cannot stand to be. You keep on comparing till you cannot see you own capabilities and specialities anymore. You forget how beautiful you are with no make up on, you forget how stunning you are in those long skirts and blouses with your hair tied in ponytails. You forget about who you are.

That is the feeling when you get such a perfect boyfriend. The feeling of never being good enough. The feeling of insecurities. The feeling of stupidity. The feeling of low self esteem.

I write this as a review of my never-ending insecurities and the love story between Colin and Mariah, the two characters in Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult. Its a really adventurous, heartbreaking book. You just cannot flip through another page without finding yourself wiping your tears.

I am not a good writer, I don't know if this has touched your heart or not, but I just hope I can write beautiful lines and stories that will touch every heart available. Lots of love, x