Assalamualaikum wbt.

I have a confession to make.
I have a very low self esteemness.

Are you surprised? I am surprised, myself though I have expected it. People look at me as a girl who has friends around me, make jokes, is not even shame to look different from others.

The truth is I am not. I see myself as a pretty girl, that no one could ever be the same as me but I don't really say it out loud. I am scared of those views from people. Those harsh comments can kill me anytime so I keep it inside. I would stand in front of mirror, looking at my own reflection, imagine myself differently from what Allah has make me. No way.


I would deny it when someone told me that I'm pretty. I was stuck in a situation where I was scared that if I said yes, people would bash me saying otherwise or if I said no, people would still bash me saying I was being such an attention seeker for them to keep telling me that I am pretty.

Another example of my self esteemness will be when someone tell me that he likes me, I'll go "no way i'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm not rich you can have someone better than me" or "no you are joking. You just pretended to like me to test how easy I am to fall for something like that" eventhough deep inside I really want him to know that I like him too!

I always think that I am not good enough for someone that no one likes me or ever wanted to be like me or there a lots of girls who are way more better than me.

I am always unsure of myself, so full of insecurities, feeling of never being good enough, feeling of people will hate if I do this or don't do that. The fact that I am scared of people views on me really haunt me down thoroughout my life.

Maybe this low self esteemness is because of my past. The past wasn't a pain in the ass but it taught me a lot to always put people first, to always consider about the consequences before doing anything.

Thank you so much to do those who had killed my remaining self confidence in the past till none are left for me to keep moving on with my life. It takes me years to build mine again from the remaining pieces and it still is. It isn't finished yet but what most important thing that counts is I learn a lot thoroughout the process. I learn that nobody is perfect, there will be always people who dislike you no matter how kind you are, there will be always people who do the judge, there will be always people who keep pointing fingers to everyone else.

So, here I am, promising myself to be just the way I am, to learn to accept myself the way I am, to start appreciating what I have that not everyone has, to let people to know me, to slowly open my heart to those few people who have been trying hard to be in that cosy place in my heart.

Trust me, the process of building my self esteemness cost me a lot of tears, happiness, laughters, learning process, smiles, loves, hatred, and people around me.

It wasn't easy, it has never been easy and it will never be easy to gain all the strength back from nothing that left, from all the painful memories and scars.

Just remember that you are not alone. I tell myself to keep holding on, that things will be alright in the end. I am beautiful, no one could say otherwise.

Rome wasn't built in a day.